The Voiding Darkness of Depression

Someone I love dearly beyond words or measure asked if my depression being unmedicated was creating havoc on me. And I think it is. I know it is. I’m an uninsured American with multiple problems that all intersection with a dose of depression. Sometimes I write, to let it out. To let the inky, dark, crawling emptiness face some blinding light.

I can’t and don’t trust myself in many ways. I trust myself professionally without hesitation. I trust my writing, my abilities to create and craft research. I trust my own instincts, but I can’t always trust my own goodness. I can’t see the part of me helping illuminate my good points, not just bad.

I do things for people because it’s right, it’s being part of humanity and a community. But I can’t take that into account in a ticking ‘good’ column since being decent isn’t really award-worthy in my mind.

Oh, I’m my harshest critic–make no doubt. Nothing you can say will match my own hard truths I deliver all the time. If you’ve ever graded my work, or proofread anything, you have no idea how truly cold I can be. Bloodless bath of misery. Part of my tendencies to strive for perfection.

But sometimes it feels like so much more…
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Note to Self: Time to Do More

Sometimes it’s easy to forget the world. How deeply split and divided it is. All the death, conflict and actions of war, the attack on women’s rights and freedom from assault. Or, that’s my theory since I’ve never been one to run from the too hard, too sad news that’s bombarded me life.

Even though I’m a millennial generation kid, I ride the line between X and Y pretty well. I remember when CNN became a juggernaut since I grew up in Atlanta. And I remember watching the news in front of the TV, sitting with my parents, always learning about people-often through violence, and that’s a skewed view on the world from the start.

My job demands I be aware of what’s going on. My future educational plans demand I be aware. Hell, even my own drive demands I be aware. The world is not tidy and it’s not neat, but someone has to report. That’d be part of my job demands. But I’m noticing that I’d like to be able to focus on something happy. Something joyful and unusual. Something right, good, and caring. Society’s jacked up. There’s no question to that.

But we have good in the world, right? So why is it that we sell the worst of the news as mandatory and ignore the kindness of strangers? In the almost year of doing this job, one of my favorite pieces was about Dragon Con’s charity drive breaking records and giving back to those in need. That’s important. So damn important. But we, as a society, ignore the good to live in fear. I don’t always write about happy things. But I try my best to put what I write out there in a way that will make sense and offer a new perspective.

The other day I covered Twitter’s CEO talking about how his failure has caused a major breakdown for many users on the site. That capitalism was above human decency. If he’s serious about the change, then changes must be implemented immediately. I shouldn’t be scared of doing my job because some people with axes to grind are using fear tactics against. The irony and hypocrisy isn’t lost on me. But it does tell me I need to look for more stories. To really search out and report on issues being swept aside. I’ll still be afraid because the internet’s fostering the worry and fear.

But I’ll do better. And part of that will involve looking for news that uplifts women, elevating their actions of goodwill and highlighting that sometimes goodness is okay. The world is full of good. You just have to be willing to find it. So I will.

Research Queen to the rescue.